It's April Fools day, a fantastic day to cower indoors until well after twelve, if anyone still plays by those rules. So far today, Radio Four have announced that the EU are banning fish fingers for being factually inaccurate, and Portugal claim to have sold Cristiano Ronaldo to Spain for £160 million, to service their national debt. It's a good day for barmy "news" so fuck it, I'm going to join in.
Ed Balls was christened "Edward Smith" but operates under a pseudonym to advance his political image.
Prime Minister David Cameron was today revealed to be a horse in a man suit.
It's also revealed that he stole much of his aloof political style and policy base by infiltrating Tony Blair's dreams.
Theresa May is a deeply closeted lesbian. Approaching Narnia. This is taken to be the root of her viciously anti-gay, anti-women voting record.
There is a smaller man inside John Prescott working him with controls.
Ed Miliband and David Miliband are revealed to be the same person. That's why you never see them together.
Boris Johnson spent several thousand pounds of public money dying his hair that colour.
The actual content of the "apologies, there is no money" note left for David Laws in the treasury in May last year was "I pooped in a secret place".
